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for me. i dont blog when i tell someone. and when i do blog, its not that i don't always have anyone to tell things to, i just choose not to tell anyone sometimes. seeing as how i havent been blogging as often as i had before, i realize that i have just been telling people things. i look back and realize that lately, i've been telling different people important things of my life. my problems and tribulations are scattered within a network of people. i take that step to open that personal conversation. sometimes it can be awkward, uncomfortable for some people, and some people help. but you know, i wish someone could just tell me what they thought, not what they thought i would like to hear or would make me feel better. i want an answer. ive thought about psychiatry. if it is what i think it is, it would answer a lot of questions i have. im weak. i cant figure out these problems by myself. but i feel like ive thought myself into digging a hole around me. can you think yourself silly? at times i think i may have. maybe everyone goes through this but they can put it behind them better than i can. its possible that im just being impatient for the answers. maybe theyll come. i think i may be premature for working and being in put in such a real world position. ive started a career. wtf. ive grown up not having to work, although i have worked. i havent had to support my family. ive seen a lot of the world. if i need something, im lucky enough to get it. i dont know how to do my own laundry. i get 3 meals a day, more if i want, less if i want. im spoiled. i dont think i am. i think im grateful. but when its all laid out there, i see how ungrateful i am for what i have. ive got it good, damn good.

i dont believe in a god. i dont know what happens when i die. i would rather not know than pretend that i know. i dont know why im alive. why can i think like i do. id love to know. maybe theres no answer. it probably wouldnt matter. maybe mice have the same thoughts. what do their lives mean to us? probably the same as what our lives mean to the universe. if that. the universe probably doesnt give a crap.

im still really amazed at how random and unpredictable life is. i dont feel control. but that is completely understandable seeing as how every human around me goes through life like i do. they all make theyre own decisions which i have no to minimal influence on. they all have theyre own plans. want theyre own things. im just a little part of this bigness.

this is my winter song. december never felt so wrong. cuz youre not where you belong. inside my arms.

this is my winter song to you. the storm is coming soon. it rose in from the sea. 

my love a beacon in the night. my words will be your light. to carry you to me.

sometimes i fear this will never happen.

i realize my problems are stupid and pitiful. there are people with much more important problems than these insignificant...