you want something really really bad, but you can't have it. no matter what. it would require you to give up everything you know. start over.

time goes by. you busy yourself with other things. it hurts for a while. but your desire eventually fades. and it's odd, because that desire meant so much. it could have been the only time that desire was going to feel like that. but you forget. you almost want to forget.

time goes by. that thing you wanted is given to you. it's handed to you. just say the word. but you don't want it anymore. you've forgotten. you'd like to want it again. you think there's potential to want it again. but you've changed, and you feel it's for the better. you hope it's for the better. that thing you wanted may still be good for you, but you don't think you can take care of it.

time goes by

1 semester

am i ever supposed to be happy with myself?

i feel like such a darn simpleton nowadays.

so much time and effort is taken into being a part of the film industry. not too much payoff so far, that's solely financially speaking though. Of course i've learned more than i have in a semester at Cypress and I've met more interesting people than i have in a semester at Cypress just from working.

The way I see it, 1 semester at Cypress = $600

1 semester working = more than $600

so im getting paid for double the education. pretty cool.

but i miss interaction with people. on a friendly basis at least. not much of that anymore.

lots of facebooking lately.

music's becoming bland again. its hard for me to shuffle music without skipping like 50 songs. and only certain artists are bearable. that tends to happen in cycles for me.

when i'm mentally boo, lots of music loses its flavor.

when i'm mentally stable, anything sounds good.

right now, im definitely mentally boo (refer to use of term "mentally boo")

and it affects my abilities. I dont feel creative. I've lost my sense of art. I dont know if im even creative anymore. I feel like i can just follow directions well, and that my perspective of what art is or what i think looks good is cheap and unrefined. I have to filter and think about my answer when my boss asks me what i think, or my opinion. arent i supposed to have a natural feel, a genuine, new creativity to give? where my perspective of the world shows through? ive lost sight of whats important to me. i feel like ive lost my ability to express my thoughts in an original way. whats special about me?

i dont know what i want anymore. thats part of it. im disorganized. feel pressured. stressed. want everything to go right. ill see how i turn out.