culture brought me back

How is it that I can make myself so damn depressed for two days to the point of insanity and then wake up one morning and feel like I need to just finish things.

I was at the Hollywood Bowl last night watching "The Celebration of Rumi." It was his 801st birthday.

Yo-Yo Ma, Kayhan Kalhor, The Whirling Durvishes of Damascus, and Kurdish Ghaderi were some of the festivities. There were truly amazing performances and Yo-Yo Ma accompanied one of Kayhan Kalhor's original compositions, a pretty revolutionary piece where traditional persian instruments melded together with violins, cellos, and a bass. 

But what really hit me was the first performance. Kayhan introduced a local man from Iran who played the Tar. He was walked out and directed to head to the center of the stage where there was a rug laid out and 2 microphones for him. He followed the instructions he had rehearsed time and time before, but he kept looking back, making sure he was going the right way. Here was a man that's used to farming and living in a mud house and praying towards Mecca 5 times a day and playing the Tar in his free time. He wore traditional loose white and black clothing and had a white turban. He was in Hollywood in front of at least 5000 people - in the Hollywood Bowl - sitting cross legged on stage with one of the only things he knew, his music. He started with a prayer that wasn't too discernible because the mic wasn't situated. His giant head was projected onto four screens across the bowl.

He began playing the Tar, eyes open, just swaying back and forth now and then to the music. He kept looking forward, who knows what he was really looking at. He told some story in a Kurdish dialect I don't understand. But when he began singing, oh my god. His voice entranced me. It brought me back to the mornings in my grandparents house when I'd wake up to the singing of the Koran from the mosque at 5 in the morning. 

This humble man gave his soul to the Hollywood Bowl. It was the most passionate display of music I've ever seen. 

What if opportunities never come? One of my greatest fears.

But for now, I'm gonna keep working. Giving up sounded so good.

confession

When I swim, I talk to myself. Sometimes in ebonics.

Art.

I'm lucky to be around the people I am around.

I had music class at 8:30 in the morning this morning like I do every Saturday. My teacher is a mid 30's (I wanna say he told me 36) Persian immigrant that came to America about 5 years ago. He's a genius when it comes to music and he's been studying the santur for more than 20 years now. He's studied under the most renown santur masters in the world (haha pretty much just Iran but that's the world of santur) so he's pretty darn good. He's come out with an album already which is revolutionary for santur and is currently writing more music, and some of the stuff I've heard so far is amazing. He has also invented a new santur and anyway the point's across: he's passionate about music and santur and he's doing wow things.

I work for an independent filmmaker in Fullerton who is 36 years old. American guy, drummer, really interesting character. He's currently in post-production for his first feature film, and I am blown away by the script. He's made short movies, he's in post-production for 2 documentaries, and he's worked under Ridley Scott. He has dedicated his life and career to this feature film for almost a year and a lot of his personal money.

These two men are passionate about things I am passionate about. They are both doing things that are new, original, brilliant in their related fields. But it's interesting because despite the amazing work these men are doing they aren't the billionaires and stars of their industry. They're struggling to get their art out there and noticed by people. They're making soooo many sacrifices. They're taking giant risks with their lives. And seriously, these guys do not have much. One lives in student housing with a makeshift studio, the other has a house in fullerton and is in deep for his movie. What the hell does it take?

How am i going to do this?

But just from observing lately, I've learned something.

Art. Any art takes at least two things: timing and restraint. Still have so much to learn.

Fluffy Brownies

It's funny how life works in cycles. My last post may have been my low point. I'm still on the lower end of things, but I see them getting better. Class is a little more bearable, I'm just thinking about things more.

The other day while I was at the gym, I was going to swim. Once i got to the gym, I was so motivated to swim hard, it felt really good. I swam 500's and a couple of 100 IM's. And it's odd because I did it all relatively quick.

Today, I had a music session in Claremont for my santoor that ended at 3:30. I hadn't eaten lunch so I was on the prowl for some food after. My session was right next to Claremont College and there was a nice little downtown area. At first, I was looking for something like Taco Bell or Carl's or something and I kinda just passed the downtown area, the temptation was there, but I didn't really acknowledge it. I was already close to the freeway entrance and I thought to myself that I would just wait 40 minutes til I got home. But that would have been lame.

I knew I would regret it later. And it was that kind of thing where I needed to follow my impulses and not be afraid of doing things on my own. I turned around, looked around the area, parked, and started walking around looking for a nice place to eat. There were two really nice streets with a really pretty, French feeling. Lots of trees, patios and tables outside to eat at, people everywhere. And there were many small cafes, organic foods, homemade cooking. Finally, I decided on Some Crust bakery where I ordered a super delicious Italian sandwich on French Rosemary with an orange italian soda. Ate outside and people-watched. It was really nice to just sit. I felt really happy now that I think about it, very calming. After I finished, I walked back, and drove home just in time to catch my 6 o'clock Music Appreciation class.

My teacher, a 60 year-old caucasian classical guitarist, made us brownies.

They were moist. And fluffy. Not my style but whatever.

I slept a little bit, participated... music appreciation.

Bach is the best composer in history.

I thought about going to the gym again tonight but I figured i should rest seeing as how I'm going to be swimming at 8 in the morning and then sitting through 2 more classes, going to work at editing some more footy, and if all things go right, playing some gladiator.

I seem to have forgotten to think about how cyclical life is. When I'm down, I usually think about this and just tell myself to wait a week. I didn't let myself think that this time. Reason is unknown still.

But I'm better now I think. I hope. I'll be fine. It'll come.

In the mean time, I just keep up appreciating music and brownies.

what am i doing?

I've wanted to be a film director for a while now. I used to want to be a lawyer and before that an astronaut. But the only reason I switched from astronaut to lawyer was because my mom told me that lawyers can make up to $500 dollars and hour which blew my mind. But now I want to be in film... not sure what position yet...

I'm not creative enough to be in film. I made a video of a talking dog for my college application for Christ's sake. How am I ever gonna be like Coppola, the Cohen Brothers, or Ridley Scott.

But once again, I'm back with that feeling of unsureness. It's always been there, I've just ignored it and run with film. I don't know what it is, it just has all of the things I like to do, like not sitting in an office all day.

But still there's something wrong. I'm missing something. I couldn't tell you what it is. I just don't feel happy. In fact, day by day, I get just a little more disgusted with who I am. I'm not good to my family, I don't spend much time with them. I suck at school because I assume I can just do everything later because I'm at Cypress. What am I doing with my life? I go to school, go to work, go to the gym. I barely even practice santoor even though I'm still going to classes. I'm not doing what I want to do I know that. But the thing is, I've lost sight of what I want to do.

What happened to going on road trips? camping on Catalina island? or just going to Huntington Harbor and jumping off that sweet bridge?

Why don't I just go out and do things that don't make me feel like a boring adult with excuses and commitments to things.

I've always aspired to do something amazing early like Warren Buffet or Richard Branson. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I just don't feel complete.

I never thought much about writing because I've always told myself that I'm really bad at it, but there's something nice about writing it all out. It feels good, oddly enough. Now I get to finish my Philosophy paper on Chiropractic care.