Tuesday, December 30, 2008

its 3:34am right now

in england.

it was he night of christmas eve. dark. weird because i walked into mr. stevens' house, which was also dark inside. nobody was home. i perused around and found tables of presents laid out. lots of cookies as well. it was perfect.
i walked along the tables and found the perfect presents for people i hadn't thought of gifts for yet on christmas eve night, namely mother, father, friends. and i got delicious cookies. i picked out the presents, not really thinking much of it. put them all in a nice pile at the end of hte table. headd back to the door, i dont know why, maybe to find something to carry it all out in. then anaoshak walked up to me for some reason and began to interrogate me. what was i doing? why was i here? did i think i was going to get away with it?
he said what he had to  and then walked away. i dont know where he came from, why he was there as well, i dont know. it was like 2 am or so on christmas eve and at mr stevens house! what was i doing there! and stealing!
thats when it hit me. i was stealing, and from mr stevens. the only light on in the house was a dim ceiling light in front of the main door. i leaned against the wall with the light and sunk to my knees. i felt so bad. it was a modern looking home with carpeting, nice furniture, and lots of glass looking out to the niehgborhood street and to the backyard. the front looked like what i imagine mr jawor's house to look like, that is looking out from inside. and i remember there was a pool in the back. 
i was still regretting what i had done. then i noticed mr stevens was coming back. he was out front coming in. i think someone was with him, maybe his wife, im not sure. i tried to hide but i couldnt think straight, i didnt want to hide, i didnt want to be in this situation. i rushed back to the pile, he walked in

we were all in an old, medieval dungeon looking building. cold, huge stones made up the walls. high cielings. lots of us in a small area inside this huge room. i was trying to do this choreography to a jason mraz song that show choir did but i was still in musical and i didnt really knwo it. then mr meloche came and kept asking me about it and how to do it so that he could teach it. and i told him i wasnt sure and i didnt think it was it. but he kept waiting on me. then finally ramon came and taught me how to do it and michael did it and a huge group of people all came and ramon told michael that he should show us all how it was done because he was really good at it or something. i dont know it was some inside joke. we didnt all do the dance, we were handed these blue packets which suppposedly had kites in them. white kites.
we were unpacking them and the instructor, i dont know who it was, instructed us to write our names on them. i heard daniel going "myyyyy naame is dannnniel loooorey" in a beautiful, extremely mimicable way i capitalized on and soon everyone is the group was saying the same thing in the exact same way. it was spectacular. he was mad at me. many laughed.

meaghan was driving up the side of the castle i think and there were other people in the car but i dont remember who. she had just come back from france and seeing as how i had come back from england, we had a lot to talk about and compare. she had on this windbreaker jacket and like tights or something like that, anyway it was a superweird combination of clothes but all in a really cool, white, red, and blue design. she was wearing the hood. and somehow i ended up sitting on the dashboard in front of her and cut her jacket so she showed a little bit of cleavage and she really liked it. then she jizzed in her pants. jk.

i was back in mr stevens house and i just stood there. he walked around and noticed what i had done, but he was expressionless. i was sorry. he could tell.
i thought out scenarios, obviously he'll forgive me right now and i will be forever indebted to him, or he'll be really angry and press charges or something.

goodnight.

Monday, December 8, 2008

hzcpqi

for me. i dont blog when i tell someone. and when i do blog, its not that i don't always have anyone to tell things to, i just choose not to tell anyone sometimes. seeing as how i havent been blogging as often as i had before, i realize that i have just been telling people things. i look back and realize that lately, i've been telling different people important things of my life. my problems and tribulations are scattered within a network of people. i take that step to open that personal conversation. sometimes it can be awkward, uncomfortable for some people, and some people help. but you know, i wish someone could just tell me what they thought, not what they thought i would like to hear or would make me feel better. i want an answer. ive thought about psychiatry. if it is what i think it is, it would answer a lot of questions i have. im weak. i cant figure out these problems by myself. but i feel like ive thought myself into digging a hole around me. can you think yourself silly? at times i think i may have. maybe everyone goes through this but they can put it behind them better than i can. its possible that im just being impatient for the answers. maybe theyll come. i think i may be premature for working and being in put in such a real world position. ive started a career. wtf. ive grown up not having to work, although i have worked. i havent had to support my family. ive seen a lot of the world. if i need something, im lucky enough to get it. i dont know how to do my own laundry. i get 3 meals a day, more if i want, less if i want. im spoiled. i dont think i am. i think im grateful. but when its all laid out there, i see how ungrateful i am for what i have. ive got it good, damn good.

i dont believe in a god. i dont know what happens when i die. i would rather not know than pretend that i know. i dont know why im alive. why can i think like i do. id love to know. maybe theres no answer. it probably wouldnt matter. maybe mice have the same thoughts. what do their lives mean to us? probably the same as what our lives mean to the universe. if that. the universe probably doesnt give a crap.

im still really amazed at how random and unpredictable life is. i dont feel control. but that is completely understandable seeing as how every human around me goes through life like i do. they all make theyre own decisions which i have no to minimal influence on. they all have theyre own plans. want theyre own things. im just a little part of this bigness.

this is my winter song. december never felt so wrong. cuz youre not where you belong. inside my arms.
this is my winter song to you. the storm is coming soon. it rose in from the sea. 
my love a beacon in the night. my words will be your light. to carry you to me.
sometimes i fear this will never happen.

i realize my problems are stupid and pitiful. there are people with much more important problems than these insignificant...

Wednesday, December 3, 2008